Hopelessly Lost in Despair
Hello everyone. I've been quiet for a few days with good reason. A month ago yesterday, my world came to a screeching stop when Zane suffered his first of 4 cardiac arrests in our apartment. While I did my best with CPR, and medics arriving 12 minutes later, the next three weeks were spent in ICU praying and hoping Zane would come around.
We are now at a point where we have to consider that this may not be a possibility for Zane. I am not through speaking to doctors, having them speak to each other and pulling out any Hail Marys we can come up with. But, the truth is...I now have to consider end of life decisions. I can hardly type this, let alone speak it and worse yet, consider it. There are times I have a glimmer of hope that Zane is "there" and showing emotion, but I can't be sure. The bottom line is he isn't responding to any stimuli, he is still not tracking with his eyes and he may need to go in peace, with comfort and his dignity intact.
We haven't given up hope to go home to Orlando together, but those possibilities are difficult with Zane's diagnosis and prognosis.I'm in the worst despair of my life and I'm not okay, in any sense of the word. I have so many questions and I may not ever get my answers. And I can't imagine carrying on without him.
This picture popped up on my memories today...8 years ago on a road trip to our beloved Virginia from Florida. We were listening to the Rolling Stones and Zane was doing his Mick Jagger impression. What I wouldn't do for a time machine.
Please pray for us.
